Friday, January 19th, 2018

#20 Wine & Cheese Affairs


If you are an EBP, chances are you have attended a wine and cheese affair. It all starts with an invitation. This will not be a phone call, text or paper invitation. It will be an Evite; other methods of invitation are unacceptable for EBP. Only real EBP know what an Evite is. Your host will make the event as discreet as possible by only inviting a select few. The Evite will usually indicate that the event is private and you are not allowed to bring guests without permission. The small number of guests is to keep the event exclusive and to keep the crowd in control so that wine is not spilled on the new carpet of your host’s town home. Once you have accepted the Evite, you may get a call from your host reminding you not to tell anybody about the party; this will make you feel like one of the “chosen.”

On the day of the wine and cheese affair, EBP will pick out a very nice outfit, because this is a classy affair. It is important to note that not all EBP like wine and cheese affairs because of the limitation on alcohol to wine. Therefore, after getting dressed, a few of the invited guests will have a “pre-party” or pep-rally, in which they engage in drinking the alcoholic beverage of their choice and eat a full meal, probably baked chicken, because nobody gets a full stomach at a wine and cheese affair.

Upon arrival at the event, guests will be greeted by dim lights, candles and jazz playing in the background. Once a majority of the guests have arrived, there will probably be a poetry reading; if your host is bold – erotic poetry. Guests will then be allowed to enjoy the actual wine and cheese. The eating, drinking and mingling will go on for an hour or two until somebody gets bored. It is at this point someone will change the CD from jazz to R&B; it will usually be a date of an invited EBP or one of the host’s friends from high school. This excites the guests and few may start dancing a little. At this point the guests forget they are at a classy wine and cheese affair and think they are at a regular house party. The non-EBP that changed the CD has solicited others to play a game of spades or dominoes, depending on your geographic location and has plugged his MP3 player into the stereo- Lil’ Wayne or Plies all night. The exclusivity that existed at the beginning no longer exists, as guests have gotten drunk and called uninvited people to the affair. It has become – a house party. What was once a guest list of 20, has swelled to a party of 75-100 people. There’s no need to worry about the carpet now, just get the steam cleaner ready!

If you are invited to an EBP wine and cheese affair, remember to dress appropriately, but also be prepared for a series of unfortunate events as the night progresses. Also, don’t forget to accept the Evite, your host will be disgusted and call you classless if you just show up.


One Response to “#20 Wine & Cheese Affairs”
  1. Sistaah says:

    This is so friggin funny, cause its trir!

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